17.02.03 - 9:13 pm

my father is leaving for kuwait tomorrow. i have been laying around having vivid memories of my childhood: my mother was out of town, for some unknown reason, and my dad allowed me to sleep in bed with him. i always wanted to be in their bed. i would stay up all night waiting for my father to get up at 5am for work. he would come find me at dawn and put me in bed with my mother. sometimes this was the only way i could sleep. it came from being afraid of the dark, little brain too busy to sleep. usually i slept in the mornings with my mom while my dad was away. for some reason i don't remember, this night, my mother was away, and i was in bed with my dad. he was sleeping with his back facing me, and i remember asking tentatively: daddy, can i hug you? and i meant that i wanted to spoon him but i didn't know any words for that, cuddle, spoon. i don't remember what his reply was but i remember sleeping uncomfortably with my short arm clutching his towering waist, so lucky, so lucky, so lucky.

he used to take me for drives all the time. we'd just drive around, looking at stuff. i could always convince him to take me for a drive.

when he was doing stuff in the garage he'd give me bogus time consuming tasks. i'd sit at his feet and perform them carefully. i don't think we ever talked much, i think we just listened to music and worked quietly together.

my memory is so awful, i've noticed. i have vivid memories but they are of short and very distinct moments in time. i lose the timeline, the year, the age. everything in between.