15.11.02 - 7:04 pm

yesterday, megan bought a narcissus plant. it was heavy with folded white buds. since dinner tonight, two of the buds have bloomed into fragrant flowers. a few hours ago, nathan and noah called from reno, two gentleman in a truck pointed towards the two blossoms that represent them to us tonight. they'll arrive at dawn. we'll be awake.

peter has been alphabatizing all his cds. everyone in the house has had a hand in this. we sat in his room working on them, with visitors and tribe alike coming in and out, alphabatizing one letter and leaving. questions about band names flew around the room and eric sat with me in the bed reading a book about secret societies.

i am beginning to find a useful flow and equilibrium in this house with the people, their habits, my habits, the food, the chores, and everything else. it's fun and happy here, and i am happy too, and i look forward to everything.

in other news, i got so into reading about 2012, ancient calendars, and the galactic center of the universe today. i began to shiver because i felt like i was really coming to understand something.

what's weird is that i cannot remember how i came to the conclusion that saturn and jupiter were opposites and balancing forces anymore. i know it happened during the mania i experienced in ithaca, but i don't remember anymore the exact process. i do remember that after i got the tattoos, i had a shamanic healing with carolian and she said to me that i was connected with dane ruhdyar (an author who basically changed the face of western astrology), and that he would work with me in my dreams. then, when reading one of his books for the first time last week i found the one and only direct reference i have ever seen of saturn and jupiter as opposites and balancing forces. much of the work in that healing was related to the tattoos.

i don't like the term "healing." no one needs healing. we are all perfect. if we can see it. people are too hung up on the idea of "healing," i think. we need to get beyond healing, and beyond the power dynamic of the healer and healed, the one who brings healing and the one needing the healing.

i smell nag champa.

the other night when i was sitting naked in the big red chair reading phillip a poem i had written about the night we spent driving to new york city, i had a thought. the thought was, i am living the life i dreamed of living. sometimes i have this realization, especially when i have a lot of artists around who are drinking wine and reading poetry and generally being cliche bohemians from movies. it's a subtle feeling that's very hard to describe, it's like a combination of realizing that all your childhood desires have been achieved, and knowing that you've had a dream about a moment before you're in it.

i have had a headache for two days - it's beginning to be debilitating.

...

addendum, 5:16am

when they arrived, they pulled directly into a legal parking spot right outside our door. auspicious beginnings.