10.10.02 - 1:09 am

i am really really sad. i miss my family. i'd like to sit around with tears falling off my chin into the hollow of my collarbone, but i have a lot of things to do. i do the things because if i stop doing them i'm afraid i will become nothing again, like i was before i left here. if i stop doing the things (going to yoga, finding a home for us, working and finding more work, cooking, cleaning, writing to everyone who is still at omega), i will go to bed and not get back out. if i stop doing the things i will become who i was before. i don't want that.

but the sadness, it's real. it's real and i have such a tangible memory of the place, of megan's little hand in mine, of the smell of nathan's sweater when i hugged him goodbye. of noah's sparking eyes and josh's smoky smell and the way eve dances and the light in the trailer and hanuman in the golf cart in his silky cloud pajama pants, looking crazed. so many kisses. a purity, a gentleness, sweetness, and true love. these things that are in the past as the fog rolls down twin peaks and i try to feel love for san francisco but instead i just sit on the futon and cry.

but they are coming here, to be with me, and i'm afraid, because i want to make a place for them to be safe in, and i don't have any perspective right now. is this the place? what will they do here? i'm so confused about whether or not i want to be here that i can't possibly know if they would. but if they get here and don't like it, can't we all get in a van and get the hell out of here?

in my fantasy, xep comes home and comes over to cook with us.

oh hurry, chariot. i am maintaining, but just barely.