04.09.02 - 5:55 pm

yesterday, as i was washing out my coffee mug (which is always in some stage of advanced decrepitude), i noticed john paul was doing some juicing. carrots were everywhere. mushed carrot juice leavings were everywhere. i said "are you fasting?" and he responded "i don't know." then, a pause. then, "when one does not have what one wants, one is always fasting."

...

peter is here. i had forgotten i was human, much less female. i am made of animal, walking into the dining hall stinking of sleep and two day old processed coffee as it rests inside my armpits in the form of sweat. basically i feel that my attractiveness or lack thereof could not matter less here. because i'm not fucking, am not interested in fucking, and don't need to show my bright red ass to possible mates?

but peter is here and it took him a few days to remind me that i might be beautiful.

...

my room here is all unfinished walls and red lights, christmas lights, candle, incense, sage. mess of clothes on floor. tea tree. sleeping bags zipped together and a bed that doesn't see enough people. a mouse or two. spiders.

...

future: one week. peter leaves. i fear that. then i get tattoos, accompanied by a stranger with the name of a large regal bird. then i go to visit new york city, where i will clutch eric. i've started telling people he's my brother. going to visit my brother in nyc. then i will take a train to providence and clutch oof. somewhere in there i will probably cry. the east coast is really making it's way into my heart.