24.07.02 - 4:49 pm

sometimes i start having a panic attack when too many of my worlds collide. i have to detach myself from the worlds, then, but stay in them physically. it happens to me in san francisco a lot when too many friends from too many different eras end up in one room.

last night betsy was spinning here at omega. she built altars. it was a full moon. it was like a koinonea party in sf, but it was smaller and filled with people who are not from sf, who do not know koin. i started to try and do the math, the emotional math of this environment created by betsy in upstate new york instead of sf. i began to panic. i felt ownership of the situation, of the party, of what betsy created, because i've created so many similar things with her so many times. i felt entitled to explain this to people for some reason. it felt urgent. i didn't do it, though, i just held my camera and took photos of people's moving legs. then i took my shirt off and danced.

the room was small and carpeted and we had to keep the windows closed to muffle the sound of the primal joy contained within. the thumping and moaning, the moving. steam grew on the walls and in the glass of the windows and on our bodies and on my glasses when i walked in. the room was a sauna. the carpet was damp with dripping sweat. clothes came off. we reduced ourselves to pure form, all in a few motions of hips and lungs.

dancing topless takes a certain kind of motion, to keep your freed breasts from hurting. the pain happens when your breasts are being whipped around too much. the motion to avoid this pain is definitely hip-centered with shoulders back. sweat dripped down my belly. i wanted attention and got little, not from men, nor women, not sexual. in the end that was the most gratifying thing, to have danced and kept dancing for my own joy.

under the aquarius moon outside, after that, with my bare feet firmly grounded in the dirt, i became aware of how many of us have stood that way. by us, i mean, people and animals, beings. how many of us have stood in various states of undress under the full moon, the same full moon.

i will have a forever memory of looking down at my body and seeing the sweat fly off my belly and breasts as i moved in the dense candlelight.