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16.06.02 - 10:29 pm
today i feel like i can't make it. but i did.i spent yesterday in new york city. i slept in bed with eric. it was religious. he has a tiny frame, and he is, in some way, my child. we fell asleep entangled, mid-sentence. he told me so many things. he told me he slept with a rockette. he told me, laughing, that he wanted to be a gigolo, then two hours later, solemn, he said i don't want to be a gigolo. i want to find the one. i want to be the one. eric wants to live in houses that are entirely white. he loves plants. he attracts everyone to him. he always offers tea. and once he's asleep, he doesn't wake up, even if you kiss the side of his face a few times, kiss his tattoo, and stroke his hair. even if you say to him, we have to go now, we have to leave the city.
but i feel like i can't make it because i haven't slept. only two hours in his bed and then the drive home and then a ten hour work day. moving rugs around. hundreds of heavy padded folding chairs in the racks, out of the racks, arranged. massage tables. mopping floors. numerous trips on foot across campus to bring this to there.
but we made it out of new york city in a car, and i stared at the women on the dance floor last night. i thought, who can these women be who live in this city. my only reference point is kristie. are they all like her? i tried to see her face in them as they writhed on the wooden boards, their feet alive and begging to be looked at.
i was an unknown in an enormous place for many hours. i was a speck on the subway. i got a crush on new york city. when i go there i think maybe i should stay there, maybe it's something i need to investigate, that city. there is good there, that i have found, in my brief stays thus far. but i feel meek in it's presence, i feel sensitive and like i can't live up. artist after artist. and i am just elly.
made a resolution last night to work very hard on clearing out vishudda chakra. i long to move from second to fifth, i long to pull it up through my heart and out my mouth, to sing, to make art.
i have an impacted wisdom tooth that has been causing me to have intermittent fevers. life seems really frustrating after today's sleepless hard day work, the realization about the tooth, the fact i've been wearing dirty socks for a week, the fact that i don't have a way to get to the dentist. my life exists to call in favors. i'm always needing a favor. but even though life is frustrating and i need favors i feel so thankful for everything. living here is a gift. my world grows larger and larger.
but sleep is coming to me, i feel it reaching toward me. i envision the mulch path from this office through the garden. i envision the loop around the back of the dining hall and up the rocky hill to my tent. that is where i'm going.
(linky tradie: darkness.cairine.org, eatshit, joanna, joeaverage, jim, drew, suicidegirls.com, oof, bobby, chaya, swinney.org, trouble, xep, coleen, joyrider, stoo, domini, zum online, qq, others later)